The Penthouse Forum from hell

My suitemate was on her blog and had no idea what to write, so I started dictating. This is what came out. I was even scared by the results. You might want to note that it starts out mildly inappropriate for younger viewers, and ends up just bizarre:

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought that this would happen to me, but dreams really do come true. Today I was in the library studying ancient erotic arts when I was approached by a very attractive lady librarian. She was wearing her hair up and glasses like a prude, but you could tell by the rest of her that it was only an act. Her skirt only rode a few inches down her legs and she was about ready to bust out of her white oxford shirt. I could tell she wasn't wearing a bra because her nipples poked through. She said, "I think I found the book you were looking for." I was confused because I had not asked that one for a book let alone see her before, but I figured I'd play along. I followed her through the stacks of medical journals and cultural criticism publications to a dark back hallway. She opened the door to a small closet. Before I could express my puzzled state she grabbed me by my collar, pulled me into the closet and began to kiss me passionately. Our tongues intertwined like Oscar-contender cowboys. She stood back and began to unbottom her blouse. She looked at my coyly and said, "Are you ready big boy?" I could only manage a slight nod but it was approval enough for her. She ripped open her blouse and I stood in utter awe of what I saw. I expected two perfect breasts but instead saw the giant eyes of a hideous beast. A large toothy mouth spread across her abdomen. Two spidery arms jutted out from her sides. The horrifying mouth began to show a disgusting hungry grin. Suddenly it pounced. The spidery arms grabbed me by my neck and shoved my head into the quickly opening mouth. It bit down sharply, snapping my neck like a carrot. In my dying moments as my head began to digest in the strange beast's seven stomachs, I thought to myself, the guys in the office are never going to believe this.